Feels like...

So, today was a bad day.. bad in the sence that i feel like shit... why? i dont know maybe becouse of everything i did... i cant concentrait on anything my mind is numb, and my emotions are detached... shit keeps happening.. for instance... my grandfauther is dieing.. my computer just now decided its going to say the version of windows is not genuine.. i miss secondlife but i dont miss the drama.. i miss being able to hold someone... i hate being single, but i love it at the same time... i hate how i can be as depressed as i am and stuck in life with out option. and my ideas getting shot down...

all this time i thought people where the problem and that it would be better for me to void all people aside from thouse close to me... ive dropped soo many things i like to do, things that i would love to do agen... i feel weak... wasnt always like this, there was a point in time where i was actualy kinda ripped.. but now its like i dont even know how to explain it...

i hate how hard it is to connect with anyone emotionaly and mentaly, and not being able to read people.. someone could flirt with me and i wouldent even know it, thats how bad this is... im soo anti social im a compleat recluse with a side of hermit.. its like all the fun things in life have evaperated through my hands.. my sister doesnt want me to date any of her friends my mom wants me to get a job and my dad well wants to bond but its hard when im having trouble dealing with my own issues..

i feel soo ackward... i feel misunderstud i feel like im being judged like there is a barrior around everyone else that im not allowed to cross.. life fucking sucks.. and its all sinking into my brain.. i dont kno why i choose here to express it... i lost alotta of my other internet friends when i quite secondlife... my family wouldent understand about my feeligns.. yet thease same feelings work in a number of other ways.. i get horribly angery, at how things have turned out... looking back things i could have done differently..

i wish i was outgoing and could hold conversation with out flaw or that pause that sometimes happens.. i feel like running away but theres no where to go, theres nouthing out there for me... the real world is broken in ruin through my eyes and most of the people out there as well just as cruel and twisted as how i see the world. i guess im just ranting.. but i have no other outlet... i dont do drugs.. (would be nice to excape reality..) i dont cut myself (yet agen would be nice to excape the mental pain.) i dont drink excessively (expensive habbit and my liver is already begging for me to stop drinking soo much coffee.) i dont smoke anymore.. (im not going to lie, sometimes i miss it.. the simplicity... and the idea that i could be ending myself slowly struck me as a plus..) i dont know what to think..

im 23 and a child... im not a adult not by a long shot.. i never got that chance in life.. and im still treated as one.. i could be pretty messed up in the head.. after all i was raised up mostly on the internet..

fuck..

i hate myself the most...

i hate how im not able to say my mind, or how when uncomfertable i black out and walk away.

or when angery i get chocked up..


thease anti depressants help but thay cant stop my mind from thinking about thease things..

the anxioty medication helps to keep me calm and somewhat stable... but even thay cant stop my mind from running over clocked and over heated burning out or short curciting.

sometimes i think i need professional help.. but i highly doubt anyone could fully grasp me and all my issues, all my flaws.. all my mental images, the reels of video that over play through my mind.. the tears i cant cry couse all the fucking coffee i drink has dehydrated me soo much..

im at a dead end...

i have no excape..

and this hole i keep digging...

sooner or later there realy will be no excape..

-sean